


Ten-Day Suicide Plan AU

by LittleMissRainbow



Series: raindrops [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Mentions of Suicide, Pre-Slash, more elaborate tw on beginning notes, suicide planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:07:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22973011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissRainbow/pseuds/LittleMissRainbow
Summary: Tadashi sighs, placing the treasured notebook gingerly on his desk like it has the capacity to explode him into bits and pieces (not that it's going to make any difference any how). After a few weeks of careful and detailed research and planning, he is finally finished.10 days.In ten days, Yamaguchi Tadashi is going to kill himself.
Series: raindrops [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1245167
Kudos: 5





	Ten-Day Suicide Plan AU

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Talks of suicide, unreliable narration, implied depression, careless handle of suicide due to misguided thinking, hinted ignorance of self's condition of mental health, misunderstanding of mental health issues
> 
> Also: abrupt end bc writing this at the time really got to me so...

Tadashi isn't sure how it all started.

If asked the specifics (if anyone would even care to), he wouldn't know how to answer it. Perhaps it's due to his _repress emotions, issues later_ outlook in life alongside his fear of confrontation, but he never really knew exactly when and how it all began.

Up to that point in his life, he's just an average guy with an average life. He's completely ordinary where it counts and somewhat mediocre regarding everything else, but he's cool with that (kinda). He has friends (and a super cool best friend), a great volleyball team (quirky, but they care), kind of strict but nice parents and pretty good grades. He's on a trajectory of graduating with grades good enough for a good college in Tokyo that would open doors for him in the corporate world, while trying to get a firm handle on his jump float serve and his receives that would land him a regular spot on the team by his third year.

It's a simple plan for a simple future for a simple guy like him. From another's perspective, it's a plain way to live, but not an unusual way of living nonetheless.

So, no. Tadashi's not sure how it started. But certainly he knows what triggered it.

* * *

As with everything, it all starts on Facebook. (That's more of a general rule of course, but when it comes to Tadashi's life specifically, everything starts with Tsukki. To be honest, he's quite surprised that this idea did not stem from his best friend. He supposes he _is_ part of it, but not exactly for the reason most people may think.)

Typical student behavior of escaping responsibilities in the guise of chatting up classmates for a report due next week that they won't do until the day before, Tadashi was just scrolling down his newsfeed as he waited for a reply he was sure won't come. (Like seriously, there's only so many times you can excuse yourself to the bathroom to not seem like you're only avoiding answering questions in a group chat.) It was a nondescript link—typical newsfeed article with the right amount of trivia and frivolity that makes bored people like him click on it. If Tadashi remembers correctly, it was a mini-quiz relating to horoscopes or book personalities or something of the sort. An hour of clicking associated links and _which-character-are-you_ and _how-kinky-are-you-in-bed_ quizzes later, he came across it.

The _Are You Suicidal?_ quiz.

Again, it's a typical quiz, standing alongside stellar quizzes such as _Which Disney character are you?_ and _How much of a psychopath are you?_ It's not like he hasn't seen those quizzes before. In fact, he's probably answered more than he should—from the pretty vague but kinda science-y ones to the downright ridiculous _like seriously do you even grammar_.

But as is cliche about these things in life, something about it felt different. To be very clear: there was absolutely _nothing_ special about the quiz—setup or otherwise. The usual girl-facepalming-like-her-hand-was-an-octopus stock photo and a few philosophical but obviously ripped off lines underneath were both there to further engage the viewer to just take the damn quiz already. As far as his mind goes, this was something he's seen before and was not at all surprised by it anymore.

So when he felt like he swallowed a sponge that somehow solidifies and enlarges to disproportionate sizes, he was confused. There was an elephant and a rhino making out on his chest, and his stomach felt like it was playing jump rope with his intestines.

For a second, he considered retaking the _How depressed are you?_ quiz from earlier just to see if the results were now somehow different from they were ten minutes ago. ("67% depressed" was his result—the usual response to his age group, he'd imagine.)

Was _he suicidal?_ It was a thought that crossed his mind at that moment.

He shook his head. He wasn't suicidal. He's had no tendency to decapitate razors or hang a noose on the rafters or stare intently at vast waters by the bridge. He's had no impulse of taking a knife from the kitchen or gunning himself down and ending his life then and there. Sure, back when he was bullied by the neighborhood kids, he'd think about how it would be better for him if he died (and how he'd come back to haunt the big jerks for the rest of his non-life).

But the actual act of committing suicide?

People like his uncle Akihito was suicidal, smoking like an industrial train and not drinking his medicine. Mrs. Nejima three blocks away was suicidal, taking all those stray cats into her house despite having no income or good health—or youth, really—to speak of. As far as Tadashi knows, people with a death sentence but don't do anything to fix it are suicidal.

(That's what it means. Right?)

It made him uneasy, like he was a gentleman from the 1940s sitting on an imaginary chair on a seesaw with his right leg on his left knee. (A completely terrible and reckless idea, but that didn't really stop his seven-year-old self from doing it.) All these questions and uncertainty suddenly flooded his brain and made him feel out of sorts and just lost.

So he went back to answer the damn quiz as if he'd find a good answer out of there.

* * *

As it turns out, the idea of _suicide_ is like a drug.

It's like an annoying song that keeps playing in your head even though you don't want it to, but somehow the prolonged exposure makes you appreciate the song despite your efforts not to. It's like a dirty secret you can't tell anyone even though logic dictates you should or else your brain may erupt, like he's blending his brain into goops of unidentified mush that no one wants to touch with a two-foot pole. It's basically torture on a psychological scale where your consciousness and that irritating little dwarf in your head are at war, with the knowledge that you'll give in eventually but still you participate in a losing game.

It is a cacophony of chaos in Tadashi's mind and no one knows about it.

(It's a mess inside his head and he doesn't tell anyone about it.)

**Author's Note:**

> Stay safe, everyone.


End file.
